June 3, 2008 by Joshua Ellis
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story had some funny moments, but on the whole, I thought it was trying way too hard. It couldn’t decide if it wanted to be satire or parody, and consequently it fails on both fronts, I think, despite some great performances and some genuinely funny bits — the Beatles bickering, the roadie’s penis hanging out next to John C. Reilly’s head, the bits with Tim Meadows as the drugged-out drummer trying to warn Dewey away from the various drugs he keeps finding Meadows doing in various bathrooms. (”You don’t want none of this, Dewey!”)
So here’s my impression of a style I think would have worked better for the film. Hollywood, feel free to call me the next time you want to do a rock biopic parody.
Dewey slams through the door into the bathroom. He’s full of rage and frustration.
DEWEY
Damn you, God! Damn you, Jesus!
He punches the mirror, which shatters. He grabs the sink and rips it from the wall. Bits of tile come with it, and water begins spraying everywhere.
DEWEY
What the…oh, shit!
VENUE OWNER
(from inside stall)
What the fuck?
The VENUE OWNER comes out of the stall. He’s a middle-aged, square type.
VENUE OWNER
What the fuck did you do to my goddamn bathroom, you greaser sonofabitch?!?!
DEWEY
I’m sorry, mister…I didn’t mean to…
The venue owner peers at him.
VENUE OWNER
Wait a minute…aren’t you Dewey Cox?
DEWEY
Yes, I am, sir, and you can send me the bill…or my cousin, he’s a plumber, I can–
VENUE OWNER
Bill? (laughs) Why would I send you a bill? You just made this bathroom famous!
DEWEY
Huh? I’m sorry, I don’t get you…
VENUE OWNER
“See the bathroom destroyed by rock ‘n’ roll heartthrob Dewey Cox!” Hell, I can charge people to come in here. (beat) I mean, we do that on bingo night anyway, but–
DEWEY
You’re not mad?
VENUE OWNER
Mad? Kid, you just made my night.
The two of them look at the destroyed sink and the spraying water for a long moment.
VENUE OWNER
Besides, happens all the time.
DEWEY
Really?
VENUE OWNER
Oh, yeah. Richie Valens was in here last week…little fucker poured concrete down my drains and lit the goddamn kitchen on fire.
DEWEY
No shit?
VENUE OWNER
Oh, yeah. Where the hell he found a bag of concrete that time of night, I have no idea. (beat) Plus he kicked both the doors off my Cadillac.
DEWEY
Wow. ‘Cause, I mean, Richie ain’t that big of a guy, you know–
VENUE OWNER
I know, who woulda thought, right? But that’s rock ‘n’ roll musicians for you. It’s hell on my upkeep but heaven on my ticket sales, you know what I mean, kid?
DEWEY
Yeah, I mean…that’s pretty crazy. I do feel better, now.
VENUE OWNER
Yeah, don’t worry about it, kid. I got insurance for this.
DEWEY
Insurance?
VENUE OWNER
Oh, sure. Had to. Ever since those Everly fuckers played here. Sick cocksuckers, the both of ‘em. Mean. Just mean.
DEWEY
Geez.
VENUE OWNER
Now get out there, kid, and show those teenyboppers how to rock and roll!
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